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Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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9:49 pm
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*raises head*
Hey everyone.
I'm really rreally sorry about the MIA on my part. I just wanted to let people know that while school hasn't started for me yet, band camp has. Which means, well, no life.
I promise to post and update my friends list and not completely cut myself off from this RPG, the posting just might be sporatic. Like, posts at 4am that kind of sporatic, I have decided that I am an insomniac.
And for those who wonder why I am no longer on AIM, I just had to get rid of DeadAIM and Kazaa, they were doing funky things to my computer. Anyways, I also promise to pop in on the other screenname every once in awile.
Oh, and Dean? Seamus loves you ;)
*goes back into hiding*
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 17th, 2003
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3:48 am
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Fear is just another way of giving yourself an excuse to give up.
Am I afraid to become friends with Dean? He wants our friendship back. He says he's sorry, and a part of me wants to forgive him and move on. Another part of me knows that isn't possible. He wants friendship. I want more. I don't know if I can be in love with him and be hs friend. 'Cause you know what? That whole falling in love with your best friend may be true, but you can't remain friends. You can't be best friends with the person you love. Especially when the person you love doesn't love you back. It doesn't work like that, and I'm not sure he understands.
He's just lonely right now. And I want to be there for him, I do. I hate our fighting. I hate the mixed signals I sometimes still get, even though he's been perfectly clear that he doesn't feel the same way. I just don't know if I can do it if it means hiding how I really feel.
I kissed him today. It was completely impulsive, but there is the chance it might happen again. And I don't want it to happen again, not unless he wants it too. I can't handle the rejection. I can't handle the pain.
I shouldn't have to.
I want to be your friend, Dean. I just don't know if I can.
current mood:  sad
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 14th, 2003
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2:24 pm - Private journal entry
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Italics are, as always.... private.
I ran into Dean today at Diagon Alley. We had a huge row....
water to rum 20: *Seamus is looking through the window of Quality Quidditch Supplies*
THE DEAN THOMAS: *Dean walks out of Quality Quidditch, right into Seamus*
water to rum 20: *Seamus glares at Dean*
THE DEAN THOMAS: Sorry I wasnt...*stops and sees who it is*
water to rum 20: What are you doing here?
water to rum 20: You should watch where you're going
THE DEAN THOMAS: I am buying school supplies, and decided to drop in here...what are you doing here
water to rum 20: I was looking at the broomsticks, what else would I be doing?
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah..I should..dont wanna run into people like you
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...sure you were
water to rum 20: Whatever, Dean.
water to rum 20: You know, I'm not sorry I told you the truth.
water to rum 20: Now I know what you're really like
THE DEAN THOMAS: What I am really like
THE DEAN THOMAS: Please
water to rum 20: You're a coward
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im not a coward
water to rum 20: it's amazing the hat put you in gryffindor
THE DEAN THOMAS: You are a freak
THE DEAN THOMAS: Its amazing you are in Gryffindor, and not Slutherin
THE DEAN THOMAS: Cause you sure are sneaky enough
water to rum 20: at least i'm not afraid of who i am
THE DEAN THOMAS: Wh...Im not afraid of who I am, Im afriad of who you are
water to rum 20: and there's nothing sneaky keeping it a secret
water to rum 20: people hate what they fear, and fear what they hate
THE DEAN THOMAS: No...your right
water to rum 20: Don't you ever listen to Dumbledore?
THE DEAN THOMAS: You never should have told
water to rum 20: it's who i am
water to rum 20: i can't keep that a secret
THE DEAN THOMAS: If I hate what I fear...and I fear who you are...well..you get the picture
water to rum 20: i didn't want to keep it from you
water to rum 20: oh, believe me Dean. I get the picture.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Good
water to rum 20: But you can only go on pretending for so long.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Excuse me
THE DEAN THOMAS: what do you mean
water to rum 20: I mean exactly what I said.
THE DEAN THOMAS: ...You dont know what your talking about
water to rum 20: I don't play games. You of all people should know that
water to rum 20: I don't?
THE DEAN THOMAS: No, you dont. You didnt know what you were doing when you told me
THE DEAN THOMAS: You dont know what your saying now
water to rum 20: Fine. Whatever.
water to rum 20: Why do you think I told you the truth, Dean?
water to rum 20: Why do you think I told you first.
water to rum 20: It wasn't just because we were best mates.
water to rum 20: And you know it.
water to rum 20: You're just too afraid to admit it.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Its because I was the git you fell for
THE DEAN THOMAS: No, Im not afraid to admit anything
water to rum 20: Bull shit.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Ha
water to rum 20: You're not a homophobe, Dean.
THE DEAN THOMAS: What am I afraid to admit, Seamus
water to rum 20: Oh, don't tell me
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im not a homophobe, Seamus
water to rum 20: That you were ever friends with me to begin with.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Wha...
water to rum 20: Trust me, the feeling is now mutual.
THE DEAN THOMAS: What do you mean I was never your friend
THE DEAN THOMAS: You bloody git
THE DEAN THOMAS: Of course I was
water to rum 20: Or are you afraid to admit that you were the guy I fell for?
THE DEAN THOMAS: You ruined our friendship
water to rum 20: Because you know, like people didn't see it coming a bloody mile away
water to rum 20: We could've still been friends.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im not afriad to admit that, Im ashamed to admit that
water to rum 20: But you outted me.
water to rum 20: There's nothing to be ashamed of.
THE DEAN THOMAS: No, you outted yourself
water to rum 20: Especially if you don't feel that way towards me.
water to rum 20: Explain, how did i out myself?
water to rum 20: When the only person I told was you.
THE DEAN THOMAS: You should have kept your bloody mouth shut
water to rum 20: In a private letter, to you?
THE DEAN THOMAS: You never should have sent that letter
water to rum 20: You would've rather I kept my mouth shut and lied to you?
water to rum 20: I'm glad I didn't.
THE DEAN THOMAS: .....
THE DEAN THOMAS: No...I would have rather you just not said anything
water to rum 20: Because if you don't accept me for who I am, then no.... Dean. We were never friends to begin with.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Dont even bloody go there
water to rum 20: Fine.
water to rum 20: I don't want to anyways.
water to rum 20: As far as I'm concerned, our friendship never existed.
THE DEAN THOMAS: We did everything together Seamus...we were like frekin brothers
water to rum 20: We were not like brothers.
water to rum 20: Harry and Ron.... they're like brothers.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Oh, our friendship exsited....it just never will again
water to rum 20: We never allowed to get that close to one another.
THE DEAN THOMAS: You dont see Ron telling Harry he is in love with him do you
water to rum 20: Exactly.
water to rum 20: We weren't like brothers.
water to rum 20: We had something better than brotherhood.
water to rum 20: And if it was me that ruined it, then I'm glad.
water to rum 20: And I'm glad it'll never happen again.
THE DEAN THOMAS: You know Seamus, your right...all the clues were there...I just didnt relize it
water to rum 20: And you pulled away.
water to rum 20: Just how I knew you would.
water to rum 20: Tell me, what does that say about our friendship.... about you?
THE DEAN THOMAS: It tells me...
water to rum 20: What, Dean? It tells you what?
THE DEAN THOMAS: It tells me that you are a gay, Git...and that if you really liked our friendship, you never would have said anything, especially when I told you about Natalie
water to rum 20: You don't get it.
THE DEAN THOMAS: No...I dont think you get it
THE DEAN THOMAS: What did you expect me to do Seamus
water to rum 20: I told you.
THE DEAN THOMAS: fall in your arms
water to rum 20: Exactly what you did do.
water to rum 20: I expected you to pull away.
water to rum 20: But I couldn't not tell you.
water to rum 20: I couldn't keep it a secret forever, Dean.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Well, if you thought I was such a shitty friend, why didnt you tell me
water to rum 20: I didn't think you were a shitty friend.
water to rum 20: I expected you to pull away, but I hoped you wouldn't.
water to rum 20: Me telling you the truth.... it didn't have to end our friendship.
water to rum 20: I would've understood. I would have accepted it.
THE DEAN THOMAS: So...you expected me to pull away...
water to rum 20: Because I valued our friendship more than I did my love for you.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im glad your expectations of me were low
water to rum 20: They exist on two totally differen't levels
water to rum 20: I would've pulled away.
water to rum 20: If it was the other way around.
water to rum 20: I would've been scared shitless.
water to rum 20: I don't care that you pulled away, Dean.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Oh...so now that I am reacting the same way you would have, you get pissy
water to rum 20: you're not reacting exactly the same way I would have.
water to rum 20: I would have never outted you.
water to rum 20: I would have never cut off our friendship.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...
THE DEAN THOMAS: You say that
THE DEAN THOMAS: But you dont know what its like
water to rum 20: I mean it.
water to rum 20: You think I don't know what it's like?
water to rum 20: YOu think you have it so hard, don't you?
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yes...Seamus I do
water to rum 20: You had a queer for a best friend, and he just happened to fall in love with you.
THE DEAN THOMAS: You dont have it nearly as hard
water to rum 20: I don't have it hard, huh?
water to rum 20: I close my eyes, and I see what we used to have.
water to rum 20: I look at you right now and part of me wishes I had never told you the truth.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Well...maybe you shouldnt
water to rum 20: I have to.
water to rum 20: Otherwise I'd be living a lie.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Ha...
water to rum 20: And I can't believe you'd want me to live a lie.
water to rum 20: You, out of all people.
THE DEAN THOMAS: .....
THE DEAN THOMAS: I wouldnt...
THE DEAN THOMAS: But you...
THE DEAN THOMAS: You ruined the best friendship ever, you think I dont remeber the good times we have had
THE DEAN THOMAS: Making fun of the fat lady
THE DEAN THOMAS: Having the best times ever at Hogwarts
water to rum 20: Well, you don't have to remember anymore.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Now, now even one of the places I love will remind me of you
water to rum 20: If its too hard for you.
water to rum 20: And it won't remind you of me anymore.
THE DEAN THOMAS: And why not
water to rum 20: Because me mum still doesn't want me to come back, that's bloody why.
water to rum 20: And I don't want to go back.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Really
THE DEAN THOMAS: So your not coming back to Hogwarts
water to rum 20: I don't know yet.
water to rum 20: But its not looking good.
water to rum 20: Why do you care anyway, Dean?
THE DEAN THOMAS: Just a simple wonderment thats all
THE DEAN THOMAS: I dont believe it
water to rum 20: Fine.
water to rum 20: I don't care what you believe.
water to rum 20: Not anymore.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...thats another thing
THE DEAN THOMAS: I listened to you
THE DEAN THOMAS: I believe you
THE DEAN THOMAS: *believed
water to rum 20: Look where it got us.
THE DEAN THOMAS: *looks down* Are you coming back to Hogwarts or not!
water to rum 20: *yells*
water to rum 20: I DON'T KNOW!
THE DEAN THOMAS: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIND OUT
water to rum 20: And report back to you?
water to rum 20: I bloody well think not.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...whatever...and another thing...I wont forget our friendship
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im not like that
THE DEAN THOMAS: I enjoyed that friendship...
THE DEAN THOMAS: Untill....now
water to rum 20: It didn't have to be the end of our friendship.
water to rum 20: That's what youdon't understand.
water to rum 20: If you would've taken one bloody minute to listen to me, you would understand that.
water to rum 20: But you cut me off.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Well...Seamus...Im listening
THE DEAN THOMAS: Tell me...
water to rum 20: And I don't give second chances.
water to rum 20: Not over something like this.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...of course you dont...
water to rum 20: It wouldn't matter anyways.
water to rum 20: We still wouldn't be friends.
water to rum 20: Because you just can't handle being friends with someone whose in love with you, can you?
water to rum 20: You're afraid of falling in love.
THE DEAN THOMAS: ......
water to rum 20: Because I've seen you with Nat.... and that isn't love.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Im not afraid of falling in love
water to rum 20: And I've seen you with Lavender.... and that isn't love either.
THE DEAN THOMAS: ITS NOT LOVE, WHY ELSE WOULD I HAVE GOTTEN DRUNK AT THE BURROW?!?!
THE DEAN THOMAS: *stops, he has said to much*
THE DEAN THOMAS: I...I dont like Natalie as much as I thought...It was a spur of the moment thing
THE DEAN THOMAS: I never even tried to like Lavender....because I always thought you did
water to rum 20: Why are you even telling me this, Dean?
THE DEAN THOMAS: So I started likeing her best friend
water to rum 20: *looks confused*
THE DEAN THOMAS: I DONT KNOW
water to rum 20: I think that you ought to figure out what you want.
THE DEAN THOMAS: I dont know what I want
water to rum 20: I always wanted you to be happy.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah..well...this isnt
water to rum 20: You can't expect our friendship to go back to exactly the way ti was...
water to rum 20: It could've before, but now it can't.
THE DEAN THOMAS: I dont want it to
THE DEAN THOMAS: I just, I just....
water to rum 20: *exasperated* You just what?
water to rum 20: It's clear you miss something, Dean.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Yeah...its clear
water to rum 20: The question is, do you miss me, or our friendship?
THE DEAN THOMAS: Why dont you figure it out
water to rum 20: And have you pull away from me again?
water to rum 20: I'm not one to play games, Dean.
water to rum 20: Especially not with you.
THE DEAN THOMAS: What is that supposed to mean
water to rum 20: I'm not going to be with you unless you're sure that's what you want.
water to rum 20: I'm not going to be friends with you unless you're sure you can handle it.
THE DEAN THOMAS: I...
THE DEAN THOMAS: Why do I have to make the decisions
water to rum 20: *feels sorry for dean for the first time since the whole thing began* Because I already made one.
THE DEAN THOMAS: ...And whats yours
water to rum 20: I told you the truth, Dean.
water to rum 20: The rest is up to you.
water to rum 20: It always has been.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Thats my mum...I gotta go
water to rum 20: Fine.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Bye
water to rum 20: Maybe I'll see you around.
THE DEAN THOMAS: Maybe
Ugh. Why does my life have to be so complicated??
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 10th, 2003
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4:42 pm
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In case any of you are behind and by some chance didn't read Dean's journal....
Yes, I am gay.
Thank you Dean, for announcing that fact to the entire Wizarding community.
And just to clear this up, you can't be a gay homosexual. Unless of course, you're using gay to mean happy, in which case.... it still doesn't apply.
current mood:  annoyed
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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12:17 am
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If that's the way things are going to be, fine. Just.... fine.
current mood: sad
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 8th, 2003
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12:04 pm
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Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.....
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
Alright, so the Snape thing may be true. But I definately did not call Parkinson a sluterin. I don't even pay notice her half the time. Why would I make up names for her? Ugh.
current mood:  aggravated
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2003
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2:06 pm
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Italics are, as always, private.
Just read Dean's entry. If I would have been there, I would have set that old man straight, that's for sure. How dare he call Dean a Mudblood. It seems that compared to all the other wizarding schools, the people at Hogwarts are the most civil.
I hope me mum lets me go back.
( Private to Lavender )
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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11:01 pm
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| Thursday, July 31st, 2003
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10:19 pm
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Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Me mum still doesn't want me to go to Hogwarts, and now I'm practically at her beck and call just to get on her good side and make her question the Daily Prophet. Honestly, the Daily Prophet has made my summer a living hell.
I've been owling Dean left and right, but my owl keeps coming back confused. I think Wallace lost track of Dean somewhere between Venice and Prague.
In other news, Happy Birthday to Harry, who turned 15 today. He's been a bloody good mate to live with at Hogwarts, besides all the nightmares, but we've all grown used to it. Dean gave us this muggle invention called earplugs back in our second year, and they've been a lifesaver.
There's not much else to write. The Tornados are having an amazing season, I bet its going to piss off Weasley. He doesn't like people jumping on the bandwagon late in the game, they'r enot "real fans." I have to agree with him, it's annoying when people favor Quidditch teams just because they're having a good season.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 24th, 2003
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3:23 pm
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Talking to Angelina right now about Quidditch. I hope I can make the house team. No one can fill Oliver's shoes... but I might as well give it a try.
current mood:  hopeful
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
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4:58 pm
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This summer has bloody can kiss me bloody arse.
Had a huge row with me mum last night. She doesn't want me to go back to Hogwarts. I told her what Dumbledore said at the end of the year, but she pays too much attention to The Daily Prophet. Honestly, she should know that you can't believe everything you read. Especially when it comes from The Daily Prophet. Now Dad and mum are fighting because Dad agrees with me. I don't know what I'd do without Hogwarts. I know one thing for sure. I won't attend any other school.
Dean is missing in action. The last time I received an owl from him was a month ago. It's bloody impossible to keep in contact with someone who's backpacking across Europe. I do hope the trip ends soon.
To top it off, me mum has me working this summer, watching the muggle neighbor's four boys. Babysitting is a girl's job.
That's all for now. There's a Quidditch Game starting in 10 minutes.
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1:38 pm
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